There are tons of things that irritate me no end about India, much as I love this deeply flawed country of mine. There are a few things that drive me into a murderous, but ultimately impotent, rage. However, one of my greatest peeves is the traffic.
In an effort to deal with the rising road rage I experience, I need to summarise my feelings so that I will be able to restrain myself from committing a crime for a little while longer.
- Honking: This point really deserves a series of posts of its own, because that’s how mad I get.
- At the signal: Is the traffic signal invisible to everyone else? Am I the only one who sees it is red? Or does red mean something else to pea-brained idiots piloting these cars? The even more annoying corollary to this is when the timer ticks down to 4 seconds, and then people behind start revving and honking. Really? You’ve waited 70 seconds, and those 4 seconds are going to make the difference between life and death? Are you insane?
- When someone is reversing: Can you not see the person trying to manoeuvre their vehicle with minimum disruption?
- In stationary traffic: Will your honking give my car (or your car) the ability to fly over the ones in front? If so, honk away!
- Lack of respect for no-horn zones: Hospitals? Schools? Anything ring a bell, apart from your obnoxious horn?
- Lack of safe distance: When I keep a safe distance between me and the car before me, it is not an open invitation to overtake, nor is it adequate reason to deafen me with honking. Safe distance is mandatory because one never knows what can occur on the road. Again, another corollary to this is when two cars move into the safe distance space. That causes me to facepalm rather violently.
- Not giving way: I’ve seen cars waiting for ages on the side roads, looking to take a turn. But will anyone give them way? HELL NO! That is a masculinity-destroyer right there! The sperm would shrivel up in their scrota, and their testosterone would spontaneously combust and become oestrogen. (This is scientifically proven.) How would they further their lineage? In fact, the only way to father children at all is to speed up as you see a car taking a turn. Bonus chest hair if you lean on the horn while doing so.
- Ambulances: This is technically the same as the point about not giving way above, but really this cannot be joked about. All I want to ask the douchebags in the cars that block (or tailgate) ambulances is: Have you considered how it would feel to be inside that vehicle, clinging onto your life, or that of a loved one? Wouldn’t you wish that people gave up their selfishness for a fraction of a second and moved? Tell you what. Block another ambulance, and you will soon be in the right shape to take one yourself. (Either I will beat you up (because I will Hulk out and suddenly gain the ability and strength to do so) or karma will kick you in the nuts.)
- Breaking a signal: You should just be clapped into prison. There are reasons signals are placed at intervals. And this just got personal, because of a road I was trying to cross a few months ago. The road is curved, so I can only see the colour of the lights. It was red, so I started crossing. Only to leap back in alarm when a car came whizzing past, breaking the signal, and leaning in on his horn. I really wanted him to skid into a telephone pole.