I have been pretty good this month, and have more or less stuck to my resolution of posting 30 blogs. I have fallen behind in the last two days, but that is essentially because work got in the way.
After leaving my job in June 2016, I was filled with optimism for the future. I had given myself a month to get my freelance career back on track, and cobble together a few projects. I suffer from the common desire to Do. It. All. And when that obviously doesn’t happen, I feel depressed. And then fall even further behind.
My academic career has been less than stellar, and I fly at a comfortable average between the best and middle. This is not because I lack intelligence, an assessment not my own but apropos of my many teachers, but because I lack discipline. As an adult, I have tried to inculcate discipline into my life, as I see it as a colossal drawback. Thus far, I would conservatively estimate I am disciplined about 15% of the time.
Coming back to my original thrust, when August dawned, I had sunk into deep melancholy. I did have projects in hand, but those had come about on their own, and I knew that I needed to get work on MY own. This state of affairs was not sustainable, and I couldn’t coast along comfortably on a tide of incoming work. Nope. I had to hustle.
I tried to do just that in August, and then I learned I have no idea how to hustle. I can sell, because I am brutally honest and I tell the client everything upfront. But hustle? Uh-uh. Friends sent me leads, and I followed those up to the point where people stopped taking my calls. I was blasé and unrepentant on the surface, and quietly cringing and praying for a chasm on the inside.
Yeah, hustle is not for me. So what do I do?
After a mini-meltdown last week, my mother comforted me. She has a strong vein of spirituality and honesty which has carried her through thick and thin her whole life. She set up a business with zero knowledge of the industry, and made it thrive. She knocked on doors, and confidently held her own in each meeting. She is magnificent, and in her opinion (which I value deeply in all cases except when she talks about my abilities) I have a true spark. She believes I don’t need to hustle because my life will unfold in front of me, and I will know what I need to do at a given point. Stop worrying about the future, because you really can do nothing about it.
That is the straw I am currently clutching, hoping that indeed it will work.