Imposter syndrome. I knew I suffered from a version of this for very long. Only, I am not a high-performance individual, and I don’t have a string of achievements to my name. What I do have is the desire to excel at something I do, and be recognised for it. And while I call myself a writer, I see only flaws in my work. But I will come back to this.
I grew up in the blogging era, or rather came of age within it. Therefore, I often dreamt of a place of sparkling wit and prose, where people flocked for inspiration and there were many sprightly conversations to be had. An online salon of sorts.
The trouble with the dream was the requisite effort and time that needs to be ploughed into a project to make it truly successful. I don’t have the capacity for those factors. There are multiple reasons (excuses in my mind) that I can’t put in the effort, but those reasons aren’t enough to make me feel better about not doing it.
Back to the point about being an imposter in terms of writing, it is rooted in the fact that I studied to be a software developer. I chose to chuck that up to become a fledgling writer, and thereafter the confidence in my work has waxed and waned considerably and with alarming regularity.
To compound matters, over the last few months, I had lost myself. I couldn’t think of anything that defined me. But, over the course of the silence and seclusion I have experienced since, I am slowly beginning to rediscover my essence. There was a point in the midst of the fog, where, if someone asked me what I enjoyed doing in my spare time, I would flounder. It wasn’t because I sat around doing nothing, but because the basic enjoyment was absent. I was mired in a fog of grief and loss, both for my father and for my relationship, and I couldn’t see my way out of it. More than that, I didn’t want out of it.
Time is a great healer they say, and yes I finally did heal considerably from the ravages of my break up. However, the grief of losing my father will always remain. It intensifies sometimes, and quietens at others. But the fact is that the acceptance of the status quo has led me out of the fog.
I can see a glimmer of my old self again, and thus I feel I am now equipped to pursue the path to my passion. I will still face the obstacles I had before the turmoil of this year, but all in all, losing and then finding myself has made it more imperative to do so.
At least there is one baby step in the right direction. And that’s something.