I was a dumb kid. And I don’t say that with any degree of shame; it is a simple fact. Also, when I say “dumb” I do not mean unintelligent, but merely a thorough lack of awareness of cause and consequence, relativity between situations, and generally the power of deduction. [To be fair, I still fail to grasp the connections between things sometimes, and thus remain in constant awe of people who are able to see things outside of their contexts.]
Today’s musings are not so much about my ability to think, but the changes that have happened to my personality over the years. I say happened, because truly many of them were the result of situations and circumstances that I faced.
There are a few things that I know I didn’t have before, and chiefly amongst those things is clarity of thought. My behaviour was primarily reactionary and thoughtless, and there was a lot of instinct thrown in the mix. Sometimes it worked, others not so much.
I sit back today and realise that fear was the primary obstacle in my life. That’s not to say that I have conquered fear; I have not. I have learned to be brave. Again, this is not the courage that comes about from conviction – I’m not there yet – but the bravery that has you analyse the pros and cons and be prepared to face the worst possible outcome.
My instinct towards kindness has not abated though. I lost it somewhere in between, on this journey to strength, but found it again fast enough. There is no space in my life for myself if I cannot be true to myself at the very least.
All in all, I look at my trajectory with a dispassionate eye, and feel that the journey has been a successful one. I am happy with the way I am, content in the knowledge that I have grown considerably from before, having ironed out the rough edges I perceived; but equally secure in the certainty that I have a long way forward too, where I will look back at this moment with greater clarity and know there were things I did now which have smoothened further.