Screams

For the past few days, I’ve been in a weird funk. Partly because I haven’t been sleeping too well, but also because there is a sense of despair about where my life is headed. There used to be a time where my belief in God steered me forward, and although there was the occasional shouting session, my faith in a better tomorrow never wavered. But that’s all changed since I lost my father.

Last night, I had a horrible dream, where I was losing my grandfather once again. But the circumstances mirrored my father’s loss. In my dream, I was sobbing, feeling incredibly helpless and ineffectual. When I woke up, the feelings had ebbed into my system, and I continued to experience great sadness.

I talked to my mom about the dream, and she felt that it was because I had refused to process my grief when my father passed away. There were many reasons at the time; there was his funeral to deal with, I had to get back to work, I had to get us back home, and so many other, more mundane considerations. The upshot is that I believed I had come to terms with losing him, but the reality is that I suppressed it all. The only consequences were, I thought, that I lost my faith that God is looking out for me, and more importantly, my family was broken.

Today, I experienced a dam breaking. I had an actual meltdown. I felt the constriction in my chest, the spinning sensation in my head, the painful thudding of my heart. I felt the well of sorrow sucking me into myself, and pain flooding into my mind. I felt the muscles and nerves in my body shrivel in agony, bursting forth into loud sobs and tears, and yet I managed to retain enough consciousness not to scream. And I so wanted to scream. Scream at the tops of my lungs, releasing all the pent up grief into the universe. But I didn’t.

I thought that 9 months down the line, missing my father would be a painful but constant, thrum in my life. just underneath the surface, felt by me and invisible to everyone else. I hadn’t realised that the dam was full, and the thrum was just a miserable leak.

Well, I know that now.

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