Inappropriate

So there is this thing I have been wanting to talk about, but I have no one to talk about it to. My only girlfriend is my mum, and she takes whatever I say quite seriously. And this is just something that I am cultivating like a hobby; an inappropriate private hobby that exists exclusively in my head. So I am going to talk about it here! Lucky you!

Tl;dr version: I have developed a crush on a very cute guy, very much younger than I am.

Full version: I have developed a crush on a cute coworker, who is not only younger than I am, but also has a partner. Not that I would have pursued this avenue anyway, because I tried dating someone younger once, and it was a car crash. The maturity level was so atrocious that I wound up with severe mental and emotional scars. So making out with cutey is not an option.

But. Fantasy is a whole other thing.

We do interact quite a bit at work, since our work overlaps. However, I have avoided letting myself get too close. This is new for me, because he is usually just the kind of person I would be pals with, and perhaps that’s the draw.

We have loads in common, and loads of things that we vehemently disagree on. Most of our non-work interaction is argumentative, and oh my god he loves to irritate me so. The trouble is that I kind of enjoy his irritating behaviour, which I solely attribute to the above-mentioned crush.

It doesn’t help at all that he has a deep voice, which I find impossibly attractive in a guy. I have no idea why voices cast this spell on me, and to look back all my exes has lovely deep voices. It isn’t conscious at all, and if I appear to be shallow, I should also mention that I have dated the ugliest guys too. None of it matters really, but a crush is an indulgent fantasy after all, and I can gush a little about the creamy voice.

Next, he is cute. Like REALLY cute. Full lips and nice eyes. Also, he isn’t overweight like me, and isn’t a skinny little stick either. He has a full head of hair and broad shoulders. And he smells nice! Not that I sniffed him, but I have been often enough in his vicinity to notice.

Initially I thought he was developing his own crush on me, for many reasons. But I don’t think that’s true any more. Which is perfectly fine, because it is less likely that we will find ourselves in a position to take this any further. Whew.

There is just this thing. I know my tells when I am attracted to someone. [Thankfully no one over here else does.] My tells are that I have a small smile around my crush or when I am thinking of them. I tend to look straight into their eyes, with a slightly wide-eyed look. [Because I have big brown eyes, and they work dammit!] And finally, I blush very easily. Thus far, I have blushed only once in his presence, and that is because the group was asking me about a Tinder date. I was a little flushed because he wanted to know all the details, the gossipy creature!

Also, I am fairly aware when someone is attracted to me, even slightly, and even over the Internet. Hence the confusion of earlier.

But. That one thing I mentioned earlier? I know that mostly two people who are attracted to each other look into each other’s eyes. It is just too intimate for a casual or friendly interaction. And yet, in some of my unguarded moments, I look straight into his eyes, and he looks into mine.

It might mean absolutely nothing, but I cannot help the little fireworks in my head. And I know quite well that my eyes are shining [read: big brown eyes from before], and I see his eyes dilate just a little. And those moments are amazing and terrifying in equal parts.

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