Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I had had a rather upsetting conversation with someone I have grown to care about, and reacted badly. I’m still not 100% sure what will transpire, but at least the sadness I was feeling passed.
Of course, my mother cottoned on to the fact that I was miserable. Hazard of spending 24 hours in someone’s company, I guess. I told her that an upset had happened with this guy I liked. But then, it was resolved so no harm no foul.
The conversation didn’t end there, because somehow I found myself telling her the damaging things that have happened to me in my previous relationships. I have no clue how I launched into that litany, but I was talking to her for hours.
Some of the things were not too dramatic, but overall there was a cumulative effect of psychological horror. In some cases, I was too young to handle it. In other cases, I was tethered emotionally to the person in question.
She was shell-shocked. She was absolutely horrified to think that all this stuff had happened to me, and she hadn’t a clue. And then it struck me. Mom used her previous relationships [before dad] to alleviate some of the pangs of separation I felt. But none of her exes were horrible douchebags.
In her mind, dating someone was holding hands with that someone. Or someone who carried her books for in college. Or someone who walked her from class to bus stop. And several other examples of this exceedingly gentle and pure form of dating. The funniest part was that, at those times, each of her boyfriends talked of marriage.
I sighed with the utter purity of it all. This has never happened to me. Two of my exes were convinced their parents would never agree to the match. One of my exes was upset that he wasn’t the first [and last] man in my life. Another said that his family wanted a girl who earned her own living, and who was thin. None of this constituted the revelations I shared with her yesterday, but serves to illustrate the kind of people I date. Ha.
People ask me why I am single. It is very simple really: when I fall in love with someone, I give them so much of myself that I am left like an empty husk thereafter. This time though, I feel emotionally complete. If someone comes into my life, it will be someone who is also emotionally complete as well, and together we will create our own completeness.
No more emotionally damaged parasites for me.